My Autistic Boy And Other Adventures In Fatherhood

I was asked in an email to be more ‘specific’ about what we want Demetrius to get out of soccer, and what we’ve learned from a couple of seasons of it, in a mainstream league.

Obviously, I can share that from my perspective. But I don’t think our experiences are exactly translatable to every other autistic child. But I can give insights, as I see them.

• Choose your team and league wisely. Demetrius ‘plays’ in a church league, with volunteer coaches. While the boys compete, really, this is just a fun league, with no standings kept. Every boy, on every team, receives a trophy. You want to make sure you are in an environment that isn’t too competitive.
• Have clear understanding between you and the parent/coach, of what the expectations and experiences are. Ex: last season, it seemed, about every third time Demetrius was on the field, because he doesn’t actually play, his team got scored on. His team was, in reality, playing a man short. We discussed this and agreed that we would approach the referees before the game that Demetrius would go on the field, but not actually be playing or interfering with the flow of the game. We all wanted him in, but we didn’t want the rest of the boys to suffer or get frustrated because they were really playing a ‘man down’. With the understanding of the goal of his involvement, and clear communication with the coach, opposing coaches and referees, everyone can have a relatively good and smooth experience, and a solution was found that benefited everyone.
• Interview the coach before you agree to have your child on his team. We found that our coach has an uncle who is mentally retarded and lives with coach’s parents in his elder years. He has empathy and understanding that we need through this experience. This ended being a point of relevance and comfort with us that he can handle Super D. You don’t want a dad that wears NFL team throwback shirts to practice and is going through his first coaching experience or is very intense about ‘teaching the boys how to win’. This probably isn’t the right match, and believe you me, you are going to need the right match.
• If you can, volunteer to the be the ‘team parent’. Kim was brilliant in doing this, all the picture days, scheduling, snack assignments go through her. She has to interface with all the parents, and thus, explain Demetrius and his condition. I’d say that 95% of the parents are understanding, and are rooting for our kid to be involved in every which way. With Kim having the opp to explain to each and all, there is no misunderstanding.

• Most of the parents will understand. They will. And they’ll ask questions. And they’ll try to help. They will

• Yes, you will have the one parent that you can see wants your kid off the field, and in his own league for ‘special kids’. You have to get over that, because most likely he or she won’t. By the way, this is the obnoxious parent period. If your kid wasn’t special needs, and he wasn’t good at all, they’d feel the same way about your unathletic/nerdy kid anyway.
• Try to set your expectations. I grew up in a soccer playing family. A competitive soccer playing family. Let me explain it this way – my sister’s team growing up played against Mia Hamm’s teams, and my team played against teams that had US National Team members on them. It was so, so, so hard for me when Demetrius simply couldn’t/wouldn’t attempt to play. He wandered around the field, stressed out, avoiding playing, squealing the whole time. I remember, in all honesty, trying not to cry and hold it together as I was out on the field with him, as he buried his head in my stomach because of the stress and this was that cold water on some level of my hopes and dreams about soccer. Maybe it was because he was playing in a mainstream league with boys who ‘got it’. Maybe it was simply, a Jerry issue Jerry just had to get over. Maybe bits and pieces of this and other things. That said, it is incumbent on you to swallow hard, have your cry in your car and then tell him what a great job he is doing playing soccer. Folks, if you can mainstream your kid in a regular classroom and fight to the ends of Hades to make sure his IEP is right…you can handle this. This type of reaction is very much a ‘dad’ thing I think. But like I said in a posting last week: Demetrius wouldn’t play in a make up game because it was on Wednesday night, and he only played soccer on Mondays and Saturday mornings…and that was fine. He could run around and not play. He was outside, he was active, and he was happy to run around a bit with the boys before the game and after the game to get snacks. He had fun. I had fun rooting on his team. This is where we all have to get.
• I’ll call it out again. Have your cry. Have your dark moment. It’s okay. Then, root as hard as you can for the ‘Falcons’ or ‘Dragons’ or ‘Ladybugs’. And if your child sees you doing it, they’ll try hard in their own way….and isn’t that progress and a positive experience in its own, weird, autistic world way?

I think it is….

So there you go. Hope this helps.